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Ah, McSweeney's

12.15.2007

Hours of entertainment...I've colored my favorites.

Things You Can Do
If You Love Jesus
Other Than Honk.

BY JEN GOODHUE

- - - -

Send him flowers for no reason

Pass him a note in geography

Make him a mix tape

Set him free

Make an altar to him with his trash


What God Does
in Her Spare Time.

BY JAMIE KILSTEIN AND ALLISON KILKENNY

- - - -

Minesweeper

Slipper shopping

Sudoku

Baking

Practical jokes on James Dobson

Watching the news and crying


Possible Titles for Kanye West's
Next album

BY KRIS GIULIANI

- - - -

Grad School

Distance Learning

Taking a Year Off to Work in Your Field

Tedious Application Process

Cramming for the LSATs

Backpacking Through Europe for a While on Your Father's Credit Card

MBA

Soul-Crushing Entry-Level Position That Wears on Your Spirit, Your Integrity, Your Ambition, Involves Taking an Inordinate Amount of Shit From People Who Don't Even Have a Degree, and Doesn't Pay Enough to Even Make a Dent in Your Student Loans

Peace Corps


Possible Titles for
My Autobiography

BY HELENE HERTZLINGER

- - - -

Ice Station Hebrew

The Broad Less Traveled

Huckleberry Fanatic

Toujours the Bronx

Expressions
for Vegans.

BY MICHAEL ARMSTRONG

- - - -

Let's talk tofurkey.

We had a whale of a time, unless that particular whale happens to be getting illegally harpooned by a boatload of murderous Japanese fishermen. If that's the case, then we just had fun—as much fun as civilized people can have with all the killing going on.

It's a dog-eat-soy-based-food-substance-shaped-into-the-form-of-a-dog world.

Holy cow. Seriously, they're deities.

Running around like a chicken with its head full of hope and possibilities now that everyone has become a vegan.

So hungry I could eat a horse. What? Sometimes I just crave a burger. Is that so unforgivable?


Two Things
That Aren't Covered
by Your Friend
With Benefits.

BY MATTHEW SIMMONS

- - - -

Care for the bitter heartbreak and depression that will inevitably occur when your friend moves on to a real relationship with a mature partner actually worthy of commitment.

Dental.


Things I Desperately
Wish Women Would Say
to Me on First Dates.

BY MIKE DRUCKER

- - - -

"Tell me again about the hidden minus world in Super Mario Bros."

"Is that an XXL Magic: The Gathering shirt? Plus five to Gryffindor!"

"I think Superman represents the federal government, while Batman represents the autonomous local governments."

"Captain Picard, of course!"

"I really enjoyed this date. I'd like it if you called me."


Opening
Sentences to
A Tale of Two Cities
Rejected by Dickens
Before He Settled on
"It was the best
of times, it was
the worst of
times ..."

BY JOHN ANDREINI

- - - -

In anticipation of her lover's late-night call, Lucie slowly unbuttoned her bodice.

Good times. Bad times. You know I've had my share.

I'd just sat down to my morning pipe when there was a rap on my door, which, by sound alone, led me to believe it was a 5-foot-tall French chimney sweep with the gout.

It was one helluva time.

Marley was as dead as a doornail.


Song Ideas
for My Next Album.

BY BRIAN GEAR

- - - -

A song about a really cool chick and how she turns me on.

A song about how I live life to the utmost and how most folks don't know how to "fly," if you know what I mean.

A song about how strung out I was for a few weeks after you left me. Just let it rain, is what I thought, because that's the way I felt inside.

A song about how important it is to take a chance on love, to just go for it—it's really worth it.

A song about this freaky dude I know who's shunned by everyone else because he's different, but only I see what's loveable about the guy, and that we should all cherish individuality.

A song obliquely about the sex act: an invitation for my ideal woman to come on over and "do me," if you will.

Let's wrap up with a song about how love is really the most important thing and we all ought to live entirely for love, and give love in return.

4 comments:

David said...

i'd agree except i wear a size s and obviously the sorting hat would put me in ravenclaw. I MEAN...

Ryan Steiner said...

Jesus really appreciates when you send him notes, especially if they contain ideas about new jokes to play on James Dobson.

God is all about multi-tasking.

Kristen said...

Haha! You're going to make Jesus a mix tape now, aren't you?

Maryann said...

So what is a bigger tragedy in your opinion, the role of Eliza Dolittle in the film version of My Fair Lady going to Audrey Hepburn instead of Julie Andrews, or Celeste Holm's entire character in High Society? I MEAN...

Hmmm what kind of music do you think Jesus is into? Maybe the entire Jesus Christ Superstar Original Broadway cast recording...