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McSweeney's Redux

4.09.2008

FILM SCHOOL
IN THREE LINES
OR LESS.

BY BEN JOSEPH

- - - -
Citizen Kane
CHARLES FOSTER KANE: I'm dying now. I miss my childhood.
REPORTER: Wealth and power have truly made you an asshole.
WORKER: No one cares if I burn this sled, right?

The Deer Hunter
ROBERT DE NIRO: Russian roulette is a precarious and dangerous game.
CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: One could almost compare it to our nation's current situation in Vietnam.
(Both turn and stare at camera for three hours.)

West Side Story
TONY: Cinema has a long literary tradition. This one's based on Shakespeare.
MARIA: Just like that Amanda Bynes movie!
TONY: (Sigh.) Let's just dance-fight.

The Graduate
BEN: Now that I'm done with college, I don't know who I am.
MRS. ROBINSON: Cougar bait?
BEN: Eh, that was fun, but I want to give the next-gen model a spin.

The Philadelphia Story
CARY GRANT: Sex in the 1940s took place entirely in the form of witty banter.
KATHARINE HEPBURN: Indubitably.

The Godfather
THE GODFATHER: Family is really important, and, um ... Wait, did you even see all these movies?
ME: Yes. Maybe. There were nap breaks.
ALL MY FILM PROFESSORS: You are a horrible, horrible person.

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