Pages

Move over, Harry

7.15.2008

THINGS HAGRID THE HALF-GIANT
WOULD SAY IF HE SERVED JESUS CHRIST
INSTEAD OF HARRY POTTER.

By Hart Seely

"Blimey, jeez, it's be gettin' ter lunchtime, an' I could eat meself the back end of a Phil'stine. How 'bout doublin' up a quick pile o' loaves?"

"Budge up, yeh money-changin' lumps! This 'ere boy weren't meant ter be a blinkin' Muggle! Fer gawd sake, he's King o' the Jews!"

"Codswallop! All 'm sayin'‚ boy, is tha' yeh gots ta be eyeballin' tha' Judas bloke. When a disciple goes o'er to the dark side, they's nothin' tha' matters to 'em anymore!"

"Speakin' of cups runnethin' over, laddie, mine's be gettin' a mite dry. How 'bout changin' this 'ere water into somethin' a bit more, well, frisky?"

"Lilies o' the field? What lilies? The way yeh jabber on, yeh all mus' be pullin' straight A's in Professor Dumbledore's Exposit'ry Metaphors and Parables class!"

"Why, if a fellow wanted ta get away clean, Peter-me-lad, all they'd have ter do would be ta deny they ever even knowed Jesus. Uh-oh. I shouldn't eh told yeh that."

"Ah, go boil yer spleen, Pilate! Yeh stink-handed prune! Yeh've done me savior wrong, an' now yeh've gots ter pay!"


No comments: