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This probably should have gone in the journal rather than the blog, but oh well.

7.19.2009

I spoke with my therapist last week about why I might be obsessing over Michael Jackson since his death. What was I allowing it to help me grieve? Or distract me from? I honestly couldn't think of anything, but I do know that as much as I might cry over Michael and the loss of him, I get such a high from rediscovering his music and blogging about it. I've been sitting and blogging for hours about his music, forgetting to eat and putting off sleep. All my senses alert, my mind abuzz, full of energy and often covered in goosebumps. But nothing specific came to mind as to what I was replacing or avoiding by pouring so much time and energy into these posts and listening/viewing sessions.

The day after that session with my therapist, I went to see my new doctor for a physical. They took blood (I could never really be with a vampire, I cried through the whole thing), other routine things like weight, blood pressure, etc. But when she went to do a pap smear and perform my first pelvic exam, all I heard was some humming and hawing from her. This worried me, obviously. She stopped abruptly, and said that there wouldn't be a pap this time, but rather she was going to order an ultrasound for my pelvis and abdomen before anything else.

On Thursday I went to the hospital for my ultrasound. Before I went I prayed that God would help prepare me for whatever it was they would find (or not find). The technician was very nice. She had trouble locating many of my abdominal organs, and when she thought she did she brought in a male radiologist to help affirm her findings. He was also slightly unsure of what shadows were what. The images reminded me of an under the sea scene. It turns out I have two cysts. One is pressing on my uterus and lower colon, the other's location, though smaller in size, is still unclear to me. The ultrasound alone took two hours. When I left I felt empty and cold. I wanted to go home, but the work day wasn't over so I decided to return. I put on The Jackson 5 in my car as I drove back to work, and I immediately felt better thinking of the blogging I could do on Michael later. I also had a wonderful friend over for dinner that evening, which helped as well. But I find it interesting that the initial solace I craved was in digging in to Michael Jackson's music.

Everyone in my appointments that I've dealt with so far have been wonderful, kind, and sensitive to me, but I do feel very alone. It's such an intimate kind of issue that I don't really feel like it's something I can share with many people about (so what do I do? I share it with the internets! They can't see me crying!). I know I'm not the only one to deal with stuff like this; I have a few friends who know what this (and much harder) is like, and I am so lucky to have them. I've been having dreams about dying. There's nothing wrong with me yet that is in any way threatening my life, but this whole thing puts my frame of mind about my body in a weird place. Hopefully the cysts can just be removed all on their own, and nothing will be too affected, and if anything is, it's no big deal--the important thing is being healthy and alive, no matter what may be removed or disabled.

On Monday I have an appointment with a surgeon, and have been told that she will likely order a CT scan or an MRI in light of my murky ultrasound. Who knows? Maybe those weren't cysts, but bubbles! Or they were, and they're totally removable and in a few months I'll look back on all of this with gratitude. Or maybe this will be hard and traumatic for me and I'll just work through it. What I do know is that in these hours and days when I'm not with my wonderful family or friends, but am alone and could be absolutely freaking out and drawing up wills and calling everyone I've ever met to say goodbye or sobbing in the fetal position, I'm having a blast writing about this particular lyric from that Jacksons song or a move from that Michael Jackson video. So if you're beyond tired of those Favorite Michael Moments posts, I'm sorry, but they're kind of helping me keep my shit together right now, and I thank God for that.

9 comments:

The Queen of Chaos said...

MA~ I'll be praying for you and for the doctors working with you.

Maryann said...

Thank you, Marissa, I really appreciate that!

Kj said...

Maryann Maryann Maryann
what can i day?

Maryann said...

You don't have to say (or day :) ) anything. But thank you for commenting.

loverstreet said...

feel free to mj blog away--there are very few circumstances i can think of where mj can help one keep their shit together, but i am glad reminiscing about him now is providing that for you.

Allie said...

Let me know if you need ANYTHING! A lunch date, coffee date, company at the dr.'s office, etc!

Maryann said...

Lindsey, that's true...maybe MJ needed to blog more to help him keep his shit together, because whatever he was doing didn't work too well.

And Allie, you are so DEAR. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll let you know.

MLight said...

I hope everything goes well with your surgery. I'm praying for you - surgically and emotionally. The Michael Jackson posts are great!

Maryann said...

Thank you, Moominlight!