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Stranded at the gas station, branded a fool

3.09.2010

Helpful Tips For Locking Yourself Out of Your Car At A Shell Station

1. Memorize your parents' new address and phone number. Trying to tell AAA that your parents "JUST moved" and you can give them the old address and phone number isn't going to cut it.

2. Tell the employees in the snack shop that you are going to be at your pump for a good long while. If you had the foresight to remember your wallet (but not your keys), buy a snack to appease them. If it's under 40 degrees out, DO NOT purchase a cold beverage. You will regret it.

3. To pass time, consider cleaning out the 'Drafts' folder in your phone, edit pictures you took with it, or text a friend. This is a wonderful way to appear completely in control of your situation to fellow patrons.

4. If you are a woman, it may be tempting to flag down a police car (my location guaranteed at least 10 to drive by during my wait). I know it's even MORE tempting to imagine the policeman (because in your fantasy there is only one police officer, and they are male (unless you're a lesbian)) falling in love with you as you wait together for the AAA person to arrive. But deny both these temptations, as you are not, in fact, an emergency and therefore should not be flagging down police cars, you DESPERATE HUSSY.

5. People WILL appear out of the bushes behind you. Just accept it. Don't worry, they'll likely ignore you on their way to the snack shop to get their fix.

6. Now is a great time to clean those dirty windshields, reacquaint yourself with what's in your back seats/trunk (an open box of tampons and theater programs, for instance), or check your oil. How many times do we rush to our cars and climb in them, without taking a moment to stand back and give them a good once over? Take advantage of these moments to kick yourself for buying such a piece of shit, OR be reminded of your excellent taste in cars.

7. When the AAA person does get there, and the first tool they try to open your locks doesn't work, apologize sheepishly, but privately be pleased that it's not that easy for someone to break into your car.

8. Finally, make a pact that from here on out, you will only refuel when you have a passenger in the car to let you back in the next time this will inevitably happen.

2 comments:

Kj said...

I'm sorry

Maryann said...

Thanks.