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you have suffered enough and warred with yourself, it's time that you won

5.03.2010

By this time next week, I will be lying in a bed in the pre-surgery room. I will have a warm-air blanket over me, and I will be in nothing but long socks and a gown. An anesthesiologist will be choosing a point on my arm for an IV, and I will be wheeled away from my mother into the surgical room, kissing goodbye my stamina, balance, appetite, energy, continence, and in some ways, sanity for who knows how long.

So today felt like a good day to dump my therapist! Drop her, fire her, sack her, let her go. To get out of there.

It's been a long time coming, but last week's session was the last straw. I sat across from this woman spilling out my fears and desires and all I received was basically a 'tough shit' and 'I hope you are dealing with this in ways that I approve of.' Today I went in and told her we were done. I thanked her for the work she'd helped me accomplish, but I needed a therapist who was more curious, more compassionate, more eager to not just let me sit back and do all the talking and all the work. But going into someone's home and telling them that you are firing them and the reasons why is one of the scariest things I've ever done.

But I think I realized that next week I'm doing the other scariest thing I've ever done, AGAIN. And there was no way in hell I was going to give her all my experiences and vulnerability surrounding it if I didn't feel like she gave a damn about helping me figure my feelings out. Her approach felt like 'it is what it is' and that's the last thing I need right now. I need a therapist who shows interest in me, who cares what happens to me, who shows EMOTION and active listening in response to what I'm telling them. Maybe that's 'touchy-feely' as she put it, but yes, DAMN IT I NEED SOMEONE WHO FEELS.

I've got some referrals lined up, and after second surgery I'm excited to start a new leg of my journey in therapy, now at least knowing what I want and need.

6 comments:

Kj said...

did "touchy-feely" really get spoken aloud? I am ENRAGED!!!!!

Maryann said...

Oh, but it absolutely did. By her. As a bad, bad thing she would never be for me.

Allie said...

I see a wonderful therapist who I think you might like... and is definitely not a "tough shit" kind of person... Let me know if you'd like her name!

Holly said...

Way to be your own best advocate, Mashaw. Your EXPECTATIONS (wink) are perfectly reasonable, by all normal standards. You're right, she's wrong. :) Love you!

Erin said...

Way to be brave by taking control of your well-being! I'm proud of you :)

kelsrenee said...

I saw Allies therapist and I agree, she is great :)