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It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe.

6.03.2011




Oh hey, it's June. Remember last June? I do. It was horrendous. Sort of like last May.

I realize I haven't been heavy on the personal life posts lately, choosing to post about TV shows and albums instead. I've been keeping my mind busy on work, family, friends, TV, and my trip to London this summer.

Whenever I try to talk about 'me' and how I'm doing, it seems to always end up at how I am in relation to how I was last year. And the year before that. I keep thinking that reaching the anniversaries will help somehow, as if a year passing will mean that I'm finally moving on or will really be able to talk about it or it will be 'safe' to remember what happened and what I experienced.

I've long since re-gained my strength and day-to-day routines, though fortunately now I live somewhere new (thanks massively to my parents who gave me so much of the support and motivation I needed to get out and be somewhere else). But I am still very much haunted--usually at night in bed or in the shower or while talking a walk--by old physical memories of bed-rest, IVs, beeping machines, oxygen tubes, needle pricks, catheters, PICC lines... And then the mental and emotional memories return as well.

The truth is I love to engross myself in television and music every chance I get, because I rarely feel like being alone with my thoughts or memories. Moving forward from the events of 2009 and 2010 has meant not dwelling on them, and instead focusing on being happy day to day.

No, I haven't found a church yet, nor started therapy. I used the opening line of "Don't Think Twice, it's Alright" in my post because today at work when I heard that song, it reminded me of my relationship with God. And how much I still like to feel hurt by God for what happened, and how it all happened. And not in a how-dare-you-my-life-should-always-be-perfect way, but in a don't-worry-about-it-I'm-moving-on way.

When I go to church I feel angsty and uncomfortable and nervous, so I don't go back. And I give myself every excuse possible to not start therapy. Money, time, travel, fear of it not going well (again), etc.

Have you read Tina Fey's book Bossypants? A prayer that she wrote in it has been circling the internet, where she asks that God never let her daughter get a tattoo. For some reason I've taken it so personally. She was probably just trying to say she didn't want her daughter to have 'bad' tattoos. But my actual response when first reading it was well, you better pray she doesn't get spina bifida either. Which is such a harsh and strange reaction. I didn't only get my tattoos because of my surgeries, I also just like how they look aesthetically, and just because my tattoos were gotten in response to a hard experience, does not in any way mean that people who don't have tattoos have never experienced anything difficult, nor that people who do have tattoos got them because of a hard experience. My reaction revealed to me that I still have so many conflicting emotions about the last two years, and continue to feel insecure for having them.

Anyway. Thanks for continuing to read my blog, even when it's just music reviews or silly TV gifs.

2 comments:

Allie said...

I like you, Maryann, and like reading about your life. And I like the gifs you post. ;)

Maryann said...

thanks, blog friend (and real friend). :)