That time Oz lost his head over a Christmas tree. Not literally.


Usually Oz purchases his Christmas trees from Boy Scout troop 100. And by usually, I mean since he began living alone in 2008. But this year, he was feeling the need for the tree earlier than usual. December is going to be a hectic month for him, so he wanted the tree now while things were slower, and he could enjoy it. Plus, he has this weird thing where he needs to have the tree up before he feels like he can put up other decorations, and boy, was he ready to put up other decorations. It's his first time decorating his new condo! It's a special time where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

So over the weekend he used his little paws to look online to see if any stores were selling Christmas trees yet, but none were. However, on Monday night he left the gym, and stopped by Fred Meyer's to buy a few groceries. And with a waft of noble fir filling his tiny nostrils, he saw the rows and rows of Christmas trees lined up in the Garden Center. And he went to them. And he smelled them. And then he asked Customer Service if they were for sale yet, and THEY WERE.

So he called Maryann's mom to see if it would be crazy to get a tree this early. And she was very helpful, and said, "Maybe you should wait til the weekend, but do whatever you want!" (Paraphrasing). So Oz bought a 5/6 ft. noble fir, a new tree stand, and went home to decorate, full of hope and positivity.

But he forgot that when he went to the boy scout troop lot, it may have cost more money, but they would cut a ring off the trunk for you, AND put on the tree stand. So after making a MASSIVE mess in the condo sawing off parts of the tree, scattering sawdust and needles and dirt on every surface, he somehow managed to get the 75-100 lb. tree into the new tree stand. Which is impressive for a cat. OR A SINGLE HUMAN.

And he should have gone to sleep, but noooo he went forward and strung the lights, and then a garland on the tree, and then finally got to put on the ornaments! And Maryann was no help at all, the whole time trying to bat off ornaments and drink from the tree stand when Oz wasn't looking. But they had fun, and it was beautiful, so they went to bed, feeling like their little world was that much more magical.

The next day, Oz left work to get a coat because the library was freezing and when he got home, he noticed the tree was...listing a bit. So he was like, "Hey! I'll just fix it real fast before I head back to work!" AND THAT'S WHEN IT ALL FELL APART.

He adjusted the tree stand too much this way or that, until it couldn't stand up on its own anymore, and had to be leaned against a chair. And Maryann was super not helpful, getting right in his face and trying to nap under the tree while Oz was moving it. So Oz put her in the bathroom, because he was frustrated. And the tree would. not. go. back. into the upright position. But it was all done up with it's lights and ornaments! And it couldn't stay up on its own anymore!

And from the bathroom Maryann cried and cried, and Oz yelled, "I DON'T CARE!" Water got spilled from the tree stand onto the living room carpet, and Oz sobbed, "Why am I a homeowner? Why do I own this carpet? I'm too domestically impaired to not rent!"

So the ornaments came off the tree, and it was laid onto the carpet over a blanket, with the plan to move it to the old tree stand. But no matter how hard Oz tried, it wouldn't go on because of the number of branches. So it just laid there. On the floor.

After inventing 3 new curse word combinations, Oz slunk to his bedroom and sat on the floor in the dark. This is a sampler of his thoughts:

- "I should really call someone to come help me. But then that would mean needing someone for something. I CAN'T."
- "This is why no one believes when you say 'living alone is great!' Mom is TOTALLY gonna make me get roommates."
- "This is why my doctor prescribed online dating for me. She knew I would need someone to help hold my Christmas tree for me."
- "Just chuck the thing down a hillside, lights and all, drive your red-eyed, wet face to Target, and buy a fake tree. Then you'll really never need anyone. Never."

After these thoughts, Oz called Maryann's parents on every phone line they have, and reached her dad who said, "Put it out on the porch. I'm coming up on Thursday, we'll deal with it then."

And Oz did put that light-covered tree out on the porch. And put all the ornaments back in their boxes. And sopped up the wet carpet, and vacuumed all the needles. And made a smoothie. And felt much, much better.

(If you weren't aware, this post is entirely fictional. Oz couldn't do all those things. Well, one of these things did happen: Maryann cried and cried.)

Hilarious parts omitted for the sake of brevity:

- Oz lugging the tree from his condo parking space into his condo all by himself
- Oz inventing the term "f**kmuncher" and usually it repeatedly
- Oz trying to cut a ring off the tree trunk with a whittling knife


kj said...


Oh to have been there. To help. To laugh, To cry. To DECORATE!!!

Kristen said...

"Maryann was no help at all, the whole time trying to bat off ornaments and drink from the tree stand when Oz wasn't looking."

Yep, sounds about right